The Love Tridecagon
by Seriously Yours
Summary: A serious look at the most absurd pairings in the history of Bleach fan fiction. Three part story. Companion piece to My name is Retsu Unohana, and I am single & also My name is Zaraki Kenpachi and I'm fukin' single. 100 Percent PURE CRACK.
1. Chapter 1

_**A great big thank you goes out to my lovely lovely reviewers:**_

Urahara Kisuke's Wifey ,

Lin13,

KrazyCandy,

SatanJuniorNoSuperHentai,

rukiahana,

BeforeYou Go-Go,

karenkate-kitty,

SleeveofWhiteSnow,

a is for action,

viper,

Balder-sama,

TheLittlestHobo,FFN,

Andrew Joshua Talon,

JenovaJuice97,

Pea-Brain

nostalgic-maiden,

PorkBubbles,

Proffesor Pikachu,

imperialraine,

TFKeyes,

Seven Black Roses,

faern,

Kinzoku,

Midnight,

AeolustheSoulHunter,

kenchikuka,

_**Thank you for your ideas, your inspiration and your compliments.**_

_**For those of you who are first time readers of my stories…please read **_

My name is Retsu Unohana, and I am single **& also**My name is Zaraki Kenpachi and I'm fukin' single **_in order to fully understand this story._**

**_This will be done in three chapters. Each chapter will come out within the next week. Ie: Before March 5th 2007._**

_**That's all folks. I hope you have a great read: )**_

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**The Love ****Tridecagon**

_A serious look at the most absurd pairings in the history of Bleach fan fiction._

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It all began when an agent of the Special Forces reported that Yoruichi Shihouin was seen entering Seretei using non-illegal means. Knowing that the former Commander of the Executive Militia probably had new information on the Arrancar threat, and also the fact that she had promised to visit her any and every time she came to Soul Society, Soi Fong waited in her office skipping both lunch and tea.

When the sun finally set and the creeping darkness started smarting her tired eyes, Soi Fong crumpled the paper she had been staring at for six hours, while her ears strained for the soft cat like footsteps she had come to memorise.

Trying not to claw her hair out, she called the Special Reconnaissance unit that she had personally created to stalk Yourichi, to give their report.

One of the braver members of the unit did just that.

"You are saying that she spend four_ hours_ with_ Ukitake_… Just _talking_… And them she _left?_ Just like THAT?!?!? Without even seeing ME?"

The agent nodded humbly.

Soi Fong shut her eyes and took deep calming breaths.

"WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY?"

_Too loud._

"What did they talk about?"

_Better._

"The volume level of the conversation was too low to perceive without risking detention Commander, but…"

"Butttt…?" Soi Fong's voice was a dangerous hiss.

The agent gulped visibly and choked out… "The Shihouin princess _did_ remark that she'll come to see Captain Ukitake the next day and he'd better have fresh milk in his hut, or else she'd be forced to shove a bonsai down his throat."

_Ahh…sweet Yourichi-sama. Your cutting tongue hasn't lost its touch even after a hundred years…_"Wait! Did she say she's coming to see him AGAIN ?!?"

"Yes Commander"

"Fuck you Ukitake! Burn in hell."

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The captain of the Thirteenth Squad wondered if he should call for backup any time soon. But the evil gleam in Soi Fong's eye and the strategically placed sword on the doorway reminded him that it wouldn't be such a smart idea.

"So…Soi Fong Taichou…why exactly did you want to see me?" Ukitake managed to smile as honestly as possible in the face of the devil.

"Oh…I don't know…maybe I wanted to see your BONSAI"

"…well…my bonsai were the small potted plants that you managed to smash on your way to my room…all _six_ of them."

"My apologies…maybe if I had drunk my MILK in the morning I wouldn't have been so careless."

"…"

"But my THROAT refused to cooperate."

"…No problem…Think nothing of it….after all, I'm sure I'll have a great set in another _thousand_ years."

Soi Fong stared at him beadily. _Why isn't Yourichi-sama here yet?_

Ukitake carefully examined all possible exits...there was only one.

SHE was sitting in it.

He sighed.

"…more tea?"

_Where in HELL was Yourichi?_

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"I can't believe it…I never realized…But Taichou didn't give any indication…I'm a horrible assistant…I should've been more observant…"

"I'm a HORRIBLER assistant than YOU baka!!! I can't believe it… I never realized… I should've been more observant"

"Stop copying me you dumb booger girl! And there ain't such a word called 'horribler' idiot!"

"SHUT UP donkey man…sob…what are we supposed to do now?"

"Huh. What do you mean…? How has this changed anything?"

"Can't you see? Now that Ukitake Taichou is involved with Soi Fong Taichou…she won't like us hanging around. sniff sniff I don't want to let her have taichou …he's MINE."

Sentarō Kotsubaki, the third seat of the 13th division looked at the crying Kiyone Kotetsu in frustration. "Maybe it ain't that serious…look at taichou…he doesn't even look her in the face!"

Kiyone scowled through a tear strained face "Baka…look at the way SHE's looking at HIM…it's like she wants to eat my taichou. She never takes her eyes off him." A flood of tears ensued.

"uh…umm…"

"I can't bare it! I don't want to spy on them anymore…sob tell taichou…tell taichou… that I….that I HATE him for going out with that _evil_ woman after she tried to KILL me for helping him stop Rukia-san's execution. Wahhhh wahhhh"

Sentarō looked at the retreating back of his supposedly-eternal rival and cursed Ukitake for making her cry.

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Kuchki Byakuya was irritated. It wasn't often that the stoic noble let _anything_ invade his inner peace. But last night, the elders of the Kichki clan had informed him that they had come to a conclusion after a month of intense discussion. A conclusion for the betterment of the clan.

…_betterment of the clan_.

In other words…Kuchki Byakuya was screwed.

The elders had informed him that due to the increasing threat of Aizen's Arrancar, it was time for him to think seriously about naming an heir in the event of his death. But there was a problem. There WASN'T an heir to name. He and Hisana never had children and Rukia would never be accepted by the others as the head of the clan. So in a unprecedented move by the old coots, they had given him permission to marry _anyone_ of acceptable, if not noble birth, within the walls of Seritei and he had exactly _one_ week to do so. The elders would have loved for him to interbreed with another Kuchki (like they had done for generations) but fortunately the only clan member his age were male and the only eligible females were thrice his age and incapable of bearing non-retarded children.

Therefore, the day found Byakuya standing atop a tall tower, contemplating whom in Soul Society he was supposed to marry.

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"Aniki…aniki…sob I don't want to live anymore!!!!" the screeching wail reached Unohana's ears long before the wailer appeared in her view.

"Isane…Please take care of your sister…Or should I _take care _of her?" The 4th squad captain smiled sweetly at her lieutenant . Isane Kotetsu choked a bit and then scrambled out of the office in a desperate rush to get Kiyone as far away as possible.

"What happened Kiyone…? Why are you crying? Did Sentarō call you a loopy flying pancake again?"

"N..No…sob Ukitake…Ukitake taichou…sniff is dating Soi Fong taichou and now I'll never get to marry him. wahha hwhahaha"

"…"

"Why Aniki? Don't you believe me?"

"Soi Fong and Ukitake taichou…?"

"Hai Hai…my life is over."

"Kiyone…listen to me carefully…..Please lay- off the drugs."

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Next time in The Love Tridecagon

1. Byakuya makes his decision.

2. The news of the oddest couple in Seretei spread further.

3. Yourichi turns up. ( finally )

4. More weird pairings.

Stay tuned.

Cheers,

La Femme.


	2. Chapter 2

Isane contemplated asking Unohana to give Kiyone a thorough check-up…but feared that any exposure to the evil medic would make her sister's delicate mental balance shatter and crash even faster. When she tried to think while drowning out Kiyone's frustrated cries of "I'm not on drugs I swear it", she heard someone call her name.

"Lieutenant Isane Kotetsue"

She rose to her feet and turned to face the speaker…knowing fully well who it was. No one else had such an eloquent voice in the whole of Sereitei.

"Cap…Captain Kuchki…are you hurt?"

Kuchki Byakuya stared at the second in command of the 4th division.

_So… This woman will be the bearer of the next __Kuchiki__ heir. She isn't of noble birth but isn't from Rukongai either. She's mildly attractive, certainly presentable once clothed properly and silent enough for me to forget about her existence easily._

_Isane Kotetsue…you have none of Hisana's fragility or Rukia's duality…I hope the old farts are satisfied. _

_I wonder if she's good company?_

_Atleast she must have a certain level of intelligence to attain lieutenancy …or are the expectations of the 4th squad lesser than the other divisions in this aspect as well?_

"Captain Kuchiki…are you alright? Can you hear me? Are you hurt?"

_She certainly has a one-track mind. Do only the hurt and the retarded come here? Seems like it.__I hope she's not retarded. Genes pass down generations._

"Isane Kotetsue…I'd like to have a word with you…in private"

As the baffled Isane trotted after Byakuya, only one thought stood out in her head. _I like it how he says my name._

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"Well well well what have we here?"

"sniff..go AWAY… like they ALL do"

"Come on now…you lost or something? It's a long way from the Thirteenth's office out here."

:sob: "I can't believe she forgot about me…walked away without even looking back. :sob: And Taichou doesn't care either…I think I want to die."

"Woah woah….back up. Who left you? And why doesn't your captain care?"

"I was…I was telling my sister that Ukitake taichou doesn't love me because he's seeing that evil ninja girl when she took off after Byakuya taichou without even saying goodbye."

"…"

"What…why are you looking at me like that?"

"Ukitake is dating SOI FONG?"

"Hai"

"Is he suicidal?"

:sob: "I I I don't know…but he certainly isn't interested in ME."

"Okay…don't cry and stuff…I can't deal with that shit. Captains are weird like that. Only my taichou is as straight up as he looks. Other's have like tons of skeletons in their closets. Look at that bastard Aizen for example."

"But I don't CARE if Ukitake taichou had skeletons in his closet…I'd clear them away in a heart beat if he asked me. I'd definitely do it faster than Sentarō!!!!"

"…"

"_what_?"

"Do you know if he loved you in the first place?"

"…what do you mean?"

"Well have you ever seen his Bankai?"

"N..No…I've never seen it. Taichou hasn't used it in centuries I think.

He smiled nastily. "How dull…so he hasn't shown you his bankai and now he's dating another woman…can't you see the full picture yet?"

:sniff: "Yes…I think I do."

"So…do you wanna see _my_ bankai?"

She giggled. "Hee hee…why not? My name is Kiyone….what's yours?"

"Cute name…mine's Ikkaku"

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_Heh heh…It's been three hours. I wonder if Ukitake's tired of waiting yet? I suppose he's learnt his lesson for feeding me rancid milk. Poor guy…maybe I'm too tough on him? Hmm…maybe I'll sneak up to him and transform? Yeah that ought to do it. Nothing to cheer up a guy like a hot naked babe materializing out of thin air. Gosh…men are such perverts. But then again, after living with Kisuke, I don't give a shit._

_Ahhh…can't wait to see the look on Jou-chan's face. I'm guessing it'll be adorable. Maybe he'll even beat the Kurosaki kid's expression. Now THAT was near priceless!_

_Hey wait! There's someone there with him. Is it those pesky assistants? No…WHAT? SOI FONG? WHAT IS SHE DOING ON TOP OF MY UKITAKE? WHAT IS UKITAKE DOING UNDER HER? MAN, I was three fucking hours late and he's on another date and already on to third base?__And Soi fong?Is this the way you repay me…your master? I thought you had the hots for ME????. Well…if that's how you wanna play it…I'm cool. I'll claw out your eyes AFTER I'm done with pretty hair boy._

_Did they see me? _

_No._

_Good. _

_Back-stabbing wenches and two timing sons of bitches. This is why I LIKE being a CAT._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Izuru-san?"

…

"Izuru-san…is everything alright?"

"Ano…pardon me…I didn't see you…"

"Don't worry, you just looked so…so sad that I wanted to…Can I help you with anything?"

"Ahhh…I don't think so. It's just that…everytime I see taichou's desk…It reminds me of...You must think I'm stupid to hold on to the past right?"

"…No. I understand. Perfectly."

"I've lost all sense of balance, and I just don't know which direction I should go next."

"Hmm…like Kyōraku taichouwhen he's drunk?"

Kira laughed. Surprising both himself and his guest.

"Ahh…I made you laugh…didn't think I had it in me to cheer people up."

"Arigatou…Ise-san"

"Call me Nanao…or Nanao-chan. whatever you prefer."

"And please call me Kira. What are you doing in the third division?"

"Looking for my missing captain. What else? Honestly I think I'm sick of the repetition. He runs away and I'm supposed to play nanny, EVERY single time."

"ha ha…Ichimaru taichou used to disappear like that too. I usually found him in the sixth division…annoying Kuchiki taichou. Ichimaru taichou always said that…Oh no…I'm talking about him again."

"It doesn't matter. Acceptance doesn't mean forgetting the past Kira."

"I guess you're right…"

"Umm…well I suppose I should…"

"Wait Nanao-chan, what does Tridecagon mean?"

Her eyes widened, but her brain already had an answer ready. "Tridecagon. ... A Tridecagon is a 13-sided Polygon, sometimes also called the Triskaidecagon."

"Wow…you're smart."

She turned her face to hide her blush. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know…It's just a word that popped into my head in the morning and I was too busy to look it up…does that ever happen to you?"

"Strangely enough it does… Many times."

"Is that why you carry around your book? To look them up?"

"Ha ha…no I'm afraid not. The book serves a higher purpose."

"Why don't you come out of the hot sun and tell me about it over a cup of tea?"

"I'd love to. I don't think my captain wants to be found anyway."

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From behind a bush, Shunsui Kyōraku watched the departing couple and cursed Izuru Kira to the depths of hell.

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**In the next installment (which is found below):**

**1. Kyōraku murders Kira. Heh heh…in his DREAMS.**

**2. Yourichi pays back Ukitake.**

**3. Isane day dreams.**

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"Soi Fong Taichou, kindly take your knee out of my chest and your hand off my throat."

"Not until you tell me what's going on between you and Yourichi-sama."

"I TOLD you: NOTHING. The event you are referring to had nothing to do with any sort of relationship other than a strictly platonic friendship….atleast on my part. We sat around, drinking tea and talked about the Arrancar."

"I don't BELIEVE you…"

"And I don't CARE. This has gone on long enough. You come into my house uninvited, glare at me for three hours and now you're assaulting me without reason. And what have you done with my assistants? It's not like them to leave me alone for more than a few seconds…tell me you didn't hurt them."

"Psh…I don't concern myself with ingrates like them…and don't give me crap about some platonic bull-shit. I KNOW Yourichi-sama…and My men have photographic evidence. I KNOW she likes you…she sat on your LAP for heaven sake."

"But…she was just a kitty…wait, youPHOTOGRAPHED us?"

"Beside the point! You mean to say, that you have absolutely NO interest in courting, dating and sleeping with Yourichi-sama.

Ukitake sighed, and ran a hand through his long hair. "None."

Soi Fong stared. "What are you? Gay?"

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Isane couldn't believe her luck. Kuchiki Byakuya, the most eligible and desired bachelor in Soul Society had asked if she would like to marry him. Of all the women in Sereitei…he had chosen HER. Over Matsumoto's breasts, Nanao's brains, Yourichi's nobility, Nemu's immortality, Soi Fong's skills and Unohana's wisdom. It made her feel like standing a little taller. Isane had always been conscious about her tall stature….but next to Byakuya's height…it was just perfect.

"Lady Kuchiki. Mrs. Byakuya Kuchiki, Isane Kuchiki. ….Oh my god…I think I'm feeling dizzy."

_Please refrain from spreading this to your friends. Nothing has been finalized as of yet. I just thought since you were one of the main participants of this scenario, it would be best to inform you first._

Those were his parting words. Isane bit her lip in dilemma. If she didn't tell anyone, she was going to explode. Surely it wouldn't hurt if she told her own sister…and her captain…AND her best friend.

_Kuchiki taichou…No Byakuya-sama will forgive me. He has a big heart. Oh, my …when I heard about how he broke the rules to marry and keep promises to his wife…I couldn't stop crying. But fate has chosen me to be the one to heal his heart and make him love again. Oh my oh my oh my…_

Quickly and efficiently, Isane performed the seals necessary to establish connections to the people who deserved to hear the news. Having done that, she proceeded to broadcast her engagement to four people: Kiyone, Unohana, Nanao and the young man she had been seeing for three months.

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Ukitake shook his head and tried to suppress the urge to scowl. "No Soi Fong…I'm not homosexual. I merely view Yourichi as a beautiful woman who is like a sister to me."

"Yourichi…a sister? You ARE gay."

"No I'm not."

"Why haven't you ever married?"

"…"

"HA!"

"Why haven't YOU?"

"I was too focused on my training and trying to impress Yourichi-sama."

"Yourichi-sama, Yourichi-sama. Tell me Soi Fong…are _you_ gay?"

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"My…my…what's a handsome devil like you…doing in a bush like this?"

Shunsui turned around quickly once he heard the low sultry voice behind him…only to find none other than Yourichi in all her naked glory.

"Wha…guck…gruuu…uhuhuh"

"Heh heh…don't drown in your drool, my dear sir."

"Gurr…huuuu…ugh ugh?"

_Hmm…I seem to have struck the jackpot. __Shunsui Kyōraku__: Big time ladies man, shameless flirt and more importantly Juushiro-the-jerk's best friend. All I have to do is, perform a little shameless flirting myself…in FULL view of Ukitake and he'll come crawling back to me._

"So… Kyōraku taichou….do you like what you see?"

_What is Yourichi doing here? And is she HITTING on me? I thought she was all hot and heavy for Juushiro? What's going on? Oh well…who cares! This is the prefect opportunity to make Nanao-chan jealous. I'll think about killing Kira later._

"Ahh…Yourichi-sama…I DO like what I see. Care to take a walk with me…over there by the third division head-office?

"No..no…I think we should take a walk by the river side…you know where Ukitake-_san_'s house is."

"But…It's nice and shady in the third division…we can even ask Kira-_kun_ to break out the sake…heh heh it's not like Ichimaru is going to need it."

"Even better idea…let's head over to Jou-_chan_'s and ask him to open a bottle of wine…shall we?"

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"Am I gay? HA! Of course not."

"Oh sure…"

"You don't believe me…"

"The insertions of Yourichi-sama into every other sentence, makes you hard to believe."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"Ha!"

"Ha…what?"

"Let me _show _you how exactly…un-gay I am."

"Soi- SOI FONG….No!!! LEAVE MY ROBE ALONE."

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_**I'd like to thank Andrew Joshua Talon for all the great ideas that you supplied. I'm sorry I couldn't use them in the story…but I won't let them go to waste.**_

_**And JenovaJuice97, I hope you're happy with the way I portrayed Nanao since she happens to be your favorite character.**_

**Next Time on TLT**

**1. Isane's rejected lover reveals himself.**

**2. The up-coming wedding creates a bit of panic and True love or something close to it blossoms between four unlikely shinigami. **

**3. Ninjas flexible **

**4. Yourichi pwnd (BIG TIME) **

**Guess who likes whom?**


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